Yea I'm married and what?

'Even though we've all survived through the struggle that made us, we still look at ourselves through the eyes of the people that hate us' Immortal Technique

I had my registry wedding last weekend and had my nikaah (Mosque wedding) two months ago, the reactions from people have varied widely, ranging from the accepted social norm of 'congratulations' 'hope you have a happy life together' to 'is she pregnant?' and even 'why on earth did you get married?' to the worst of them all; pure silence. Clearly it is almost always unwise to pay too much attention to naysayers and just people who are bloody rude, but I can't help but feel, even just a little, that it's taken some happiness from my marriage. The fact some people I barely ever talk to or know have gone out of their way to message me and wish me a hearty congratulations makes the absence of love from some loved ones all the more cruel.

Yes we are in our early/mid 20s but isn't the fact that getting married, young or not, is something to abhor say more about society that it does about myself and my husband? We make each other the happiest we have ever been, we're practically obsessed with each other, we have the same ideals and family values and would never want to be with anyone else. Why shouldn't we get married? To fulfil the Western ideal of kissing frogs and indulging in a bit of bed-hopping in order to decipher if I eventually want to be with one of the bed-hopping recipients? I don't know why society thinks that this is the path to a more guided decision, because as this path has become the norm, people haven't become any happier and marriages certainly haven't lasted longer.

I am not even a marriage advocate, up until I fell for my husband the thought of being married made me vomit in my mouth a little, waking up to the same annoying face everyday was a scary and sickening thought. I declared to my mother that I was destined to be alone with a line up of adopted Angelina Jolie (no Brad back then) style kids. I still want to adopt but that is another story... Even now I think that if you are not religious, but intend to be with a person there isn't much point in getting married. And I'm really strongly against getting married because of an accidental pregnancy, it devalues your marriage, plus God isn't fooled guys. Yet marriage or some kind of partnership is something that non-religious people still seem to want, denoting that nature over nurture wins.

 Yes I decided to get married and announced it four days before we did it but that's just me, I thought I was being clever. I though I could get hitched with as little fuss as possible because being the anti-girly girl that I am, the thought of being fussed over and at the centre of attention terrifies me. I don't even have or want a wedding ring, that's how unconventional I am, which of course I keep getting cussed about. I also just wanted to call the person I love the most 'my husband' and not 'my boyfriend', as we always felt it was such a downgrade for what we felt for each other. What I have ended up with is people being offended that they weren't told or invited and then ending up having to have no less than five wedding celebrations in total, yes FIVE! I have also had every Tom, Dick and Harry asking my husband whether I am up the duff because God forbid a young man would want to marry me by choice and not because of some social convention to make up for a bastard baby. Even my father's boss asked my ultra conservative father if this was the case, someone tell me how it could possibly be socially acceptable to suggest to someone's Muslim father that your daughter is going to have a child out of wedlock?    

My penchant for categorising has of course extended to those who are happy for me and those who aren't.  My massive extended family are so happy for us and are not in the least bit offended that they weren't invited to my nikaah, in fact they are so excited they have immersed themselves into throwing two celebrations for me. As a Muslim, marriage means you have completed half your deen (religion) so of course it is a huge celebration, and sorry to say but it is all the Muslims in my life that have been so happy for us. My in-laws are not Muslim so perhaps I should have been prepared for reservedness but utter silence from some has unexpectedly cut me up.

Aside from being sooo unconventional so as to decide to get married, my husband is the most amazing person I have ever met in my life, the kindest, the funniest, the most selfless, the happiest, the most generous and loving.It's not just me that loves him, everyone does. Whenever I think about him I start thinking in cliches; I would never do anything to hurt you, I love you more anything in the world, I am the luckiest girl in the world, anything that is puke-fest, you name it I've thought it. If he isn't my soulmate, the least he is, is someone who I would be privileged to spend the rest of my wrinkly days with. I'd be stupid NOT to marry him. So the question posed shouldn't be 'Why did you get married?' but 'Why wouldn't I get married?'

Love, Heartbreaks and Deal Breakers

A change in direction of blogging and embarrassingly inspired by Rebecca Ferguson, who was in the Metro today and said 'nothing is real but love'.

Two people who I hold in high regard in my life have recently had their hearts broken, both men and both good people who adored their wife and girlfriend. My friend is only 24 and has a marriage and a child under his belt, so clearly he is that rare breed of pro-commitment man. He slaved away working two jobs, putting in 60+ hours a week to pay for his rent, his wife and child, whilst she did not work at all. Then one day his pregnant wife simply informed my friend she wanted a divorce. He did as she requested, left, slept on his friend's floor and cried at the marriage breakdown. After some soul searching and prayer for a sign, he found one.

He checked her email and found that she had aborted their child. Returning home and giving her chances to come clean, she claimed and continued to maintain she had had a miscarriage. He also received verbal abuse from a mother in law who did not even bother turning up to their wedding and whom he had never spoken to prior to this particular ambush.

My cousin on the other hand, is not the committed type, he's in no way a douche bag to women but he has always been a free spirit and notorious in my family for most likely to stay unmarried. Yet he found a young lady who he considered his soul mate. He called her one time and asked her where she was, as you do, she replied that she was at a mutual friend's house, he then asked to speak to her as he had something to talk about with this friend anyway, and she promptly hung up.

It was later exposed that she was cheating, not only that but she offered that she was only with him because she felt sorry for him. My cousin is NOT the type to take pity on, he comes from a great family, with money, has had his own business before the age of 25 and has one of those charismatic, carefree and funny personalities. It's the equivalent of a girl 'taking pity' on I don't know, Robert Patterson, or George Clooney or insert your own heartthrob here.

Women often lament the lack of good men and quite rightly so for the majority of the time, but the women who do get the good men also seem to be fond of taking the piss.  

Sometimes all it takes is one epiphany moment to realise that the person you thought was THE ONE was not. The all-defining deal breaker. For me, one day I woke up and suddenly realised that the person I became, and the person I was with, was not the person my parents raised me to be and be with. And that was it.

See http://raraproductions.blogspot.com/ & http://anbarrockny.blogspot.com/